I'd like to start by wishing a happy 25th birthday to one of the most entertaining siblings a dysfuncitonal adult like me could ask for. Yes, my prepositions dangle - don't yours?
It's hard to believe that a kid who I insisted was 8 years old for a good 6 or 7 years is now 25. NotDonna was surprised that I have finally relented and recognized Boo's real age, but given stories like the one I'm about to relate, it seems a litte wrong not to.
WARNING: WHAT FOLLOWS IS GRAPHIC AND GROSS - AND ADULT, WITH ADULT LANGUAGE. IF YOU ARE UNDER 18, HAVE LED A SHELTERED EXISTANCE, OR DISLIKE GOLF, YOU SHOULD REALLY STOP READING RIGHT HERE AND JUST SEND OUT SOME POSITIVE BIRTHDAY WISHES TO MY DEAR SWEET BROTHER.
Boo recently got a new job which is really, really great because he has been really struggling the last couple years and the job market where is his is basically non-existant. He got a job waiting tables with a promise that he'd be moved to bartender in a matter of weeks. He's excited about the job, I'm excited about it, it's an all-around good thing for him.
And everything seemed to go pretty well since he started. His only concern was that some of his co-workers seems a little - er, less than enlightened. After a couple weeks in his job, it became apparent that this was not a friendly environment for homosexuals. Anyone that was disliked was called "fag" (just typing that makes me cringe); anything undesireable is "so gay;" and any less than macho behaviour results in the inquiry "what are you, a fag?"
In case you've missed it in reading this blog previously, Boo is indeed homosexual. So this is a pretty uncomfortable working environment for him. Now, Boo is about as far from flaming as one can get. People don't generally "peg" him as gay on meeting him, so he hasn't had too hard a time remaining closeted at work at least until he can build up some seniority and demonstrate his abilities as a very good worker (which he is) before saying anything - which he eventually will.
For now, he's playing it straight. Which includes such pleasant experiences for him as having to appear to check out women and be included in conversations about "pussy."
A couple days ago at work, he saw a male coworker show something to a female coworker on his smartphone. The female made a face and shoved the laughing male away. The guy then approached Boo.
"Dude, you have to see this," he exclaims, showing the screen to Boo. He begins playing a YouTube video that opens with the phrase "German Ball-Washer." The screen then immediately cuts from the title to a close up shot of a vagina into which golf balls are being inserted. Boo immediately turned his head away and shielded his eyes.
"What's wrong with you, man?" the other guy demanded.
Boo, thinking quickly covered and said, "What? I don't want to see a video of some guy's balls," acting as though he hadn't seen the vagina at all.
The guy laughed and assured Boo that that's not what this was and that he had to watch it. Boo is now trapped. There is no way out. He looks back at the phone and watches the whole video, but is unable to keep the look of sheer disgust off his face.
"What's the matter? Are you a fag or something?" the other guy demands in reaction to Boo's horrified look.
And my brother, always the quick one on his feet looks straight at the guy and says:
"No, Dude, I just really hate golf."
And the other guy bought it.
"I just really hate golf" has already become code among my friends.
Also, gay or not, who in the world would actually want to watch that? Maybe MacGyver was just lying to humor me (though I doubt it), but he made a pretty disgusted face in reaction to the idea, too. And MacGyver is very, very straight (lucky for me!).
The DMV: Where Happiness Goes to Die
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